Last night, in a battle fought across the country, the young wizard Harry Potter delivered a resounding defeat to the Dark Lord Voldemort.
Potter was widely considered too young and inexperienced to be a serious
threat to He Who Now Can Be Named Freely. He was dismissed as the talentless
son of James Potter, a longtime enemy of the Dark Lord. It was noted he spent
most of his younger years gallivanting around on fast brooms rather than
studying, and often said he was nothing but a pretty face with unruly hair. The
Death Eaters led a whispering campaign claiming that Harry was just not ready
to lead the resistance, and that the Order of the Phoenix was a shattered husk
of what it had once been.
Nonetheless, over the past few months Harry demonstrated a cleverness and
tenacity that surprised even his supporters, and with the help of a few
exceptional friends and a shocking defection from Voldemort's ranks managed to
turn the tide of battle at the last minute. The scale of his victory was
remarkable. Voldemort's hold over the country was utterly destroyed and only
ninety-nine Death Eaters survived.
A triumphant Potter extended an olive branch to the defeated, saying that
Voldemort's minions "are not our enemies, but our neighbours."
The ex-Dark Lord could not be reached for comment, but sources within the
Death Eaters report that he has resigned from the leadership.
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