And the nominee is...

As you've probably heard, now that Ted "Jesus Is My Co-Pilot" Cruz and John "Comparatively Moderate" Kasich have dropped out of the race, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is sexist billionaire Silvio Berlusconi.

Believed to have originally run for office just to gain immunity from corruption charges, Berlusconi presided over a period of serious economic decline in Italy. This was either because he was an idiot, or because he was too busy dealing with a string of scandals to do any governing. His nadir came when he was investigated for child prostitution and - oh, shit. This is really embarrassing. I got that wrong - he was misgoverning a completely different country. 

Let me start over.

As you've probably heard, now that Ted "Personal Jesus" Cruz and John "I Believe I Can Fly" Kasich have dropped out of the race, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is badly coiffed bigot Geert Wilders.

Wilders's political career has been based on whipping up anti-immigrant hysteria. He's gone as far as to call for the Koran to be banned and - dammit, I screwed up that one too. He's a crazy populist from the Netherlands.

One more try.

As you've probably heard, now that Ted "Don't You Dare Call Me the Lesser Evil" Cruz and John "The Only Candidate Who Isn't Used as an Example in Abnormal Psychology Classes" Kasich have dropped out of the race, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is entertainer Joseph Estrada.

A popular film star, Estrada was elected president largely on the strength of his celebrity. After two and a half years he was ousted from office for corruption. He was later sentenced to forty years in prison for  - not again. This is just not my day. Estrada was president of the Philippines.

Fourth time's the charm, right?

As you've probably heard, now that Ted "Probably Not Going to Found a Theocratic Dictatorship" Cruz and John "At Least I Didn't Get Dissed by the Pope" Kasich have dropped out of the race, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is the guy on the right:

I thought I told you, stick them with the pointy end

Oh, man. Fucked up again. That's actually a bona fide medieval fighting technique called half-swording.

I give up. I'm going back to bed. Wake me when it's over.