As you've probably heard, now that Ted "Jesus Is My Co-Pilot" Cruz and John "Comparatively Moderate" Kasich have dropped out of the race, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee is sexist billionaire Silvio Berlusconi.
Believed to have originally run for office just to gain immunity from corruption charges, Berlusconi presided over a period of serious economic decline in Italy. This was either because he was an idiot, or because he was too busy dealing with a string of scandals to do any governing. His nadir came when he was investigated for child prostitution and - oh, shit. This is really embarrassing. I got that wrong - he was misgoverning a completely different country.
Let me start over.