Dear Mother
Nature,
Please find
enclosed 6000 tons of snow that was mistakenly dropped on Edmonton this
morning.
Look, there are
rules. There's supposed to be a natural order--i.e., things happen in an
orderly fashion. First you have summer, which is when it is hot. (You did get
the hot part right this year, so kudos on that.) Then after summer comes fall.
Fall is when the temperature gradually cools, and when the leaves turn bright
colours and then fall off the trees. The leaves have not fallen anywhere. They
haven't even changed colour. I'm looking out my window right now at bright
green leaves covered with an inch of snow.
See that? You
know what I was planning to do today? Yard work. I was going to pull some
weeds, see about harvesting some of the fruit on those apple trees, and mow the
lawn. How am I getting a lawnmower through that? Eh?
And we haven't
even got to the "gradually cools" part. Just over a month ago it was
34 degrees. It is now snowing. This is not normal--this is the meteorological
equivalent of going from uncomfortably clingy to storming out of the restaurant
before you're even done your appetizers. Have you gone off your meds? Is this
some kind of juvenile prank? Did you misplace your glasses, and you were
looking at the calendar, and it was pretty blurry but you were pretty sure it
said 'November'? I mean, ideally we'd like to wait till December for this much
snow, but this is Alberta. We are farther north than you probably intended Homo
sapiens to live, so we'll cut you some slack. Not this much slack. You're
taking all the slack and a great big chunk of arm with it. I'm not even sure
where I put my winter boots. I haven't bothered to look for them yet, since
it's the fricking middle of September. I should have to worry about forgetting
to bring a sweater with me and finding the breeze uncomfortably cool. I should
not have to trudge out to the shed to dig out a damn snow shovel.
This is not
normal. It is seriously messed up. And I don't mean to get into personal issues
here, but I think you might need professional help.
Yours sincerely,
Christopher
Leapock
